Dealing with Conflict

Where two or three are gathered, there is conflict.  Communities of people are wonderful things and provide countless blessings, yet these communities (church, school, sports, dance, drama, scouts, friends, games, etc) happen within a fallen and sinful world, and conflict is inevitable in communities

Jesus knew about this and gave people a way to respond to conflict in a healthy way.  Around St. John we call this the 'Matthew 18' way of dealing with a problem.  We're not referring to the entire chapter, but we focus on these three key verses:

Matthew 18:15-17
    15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

The first step is to go talk to the person one-on-one.  Most of the conflict all of us encounter could be avoided by following this.  This is not our natural tendency.  If 'Mike' was mean to me, I would want to first go tell all my friends, go tell my parents, talk about it at lunch with my friends, write about it on Twitter, and make sure everyone knows how mean Mike was to me.  It's hard to just go talk to Mike.  It's hard knowing that he might not listen to me.  It's also hard thinking that maybe he will listen and I won't have any reason to be upset anymore... As a friend, one of the most powerful questions you might need to ask is, "Did you tell her that?" or "Did you tell him that?"  This could avoid a lot of trouble.

Step two is to take one of two friends along.  Here is the hard part: if I have a problem with Mike, I should be taking one or two of Mike's close friends with me - not my close friends.  If I bring my friends, Mike will feel like I am ganging-up on him and it will be hard for him to listen.  If I tell Mike's friend and Mike's friend is now concerned about Mike as well, then there is really a reason to have a conversation with Mike.

The third step would be to take it to the church.  This doesn't translate all that well for us since our church groups are rather divided already with so many denominations.  At the time of Jesus there was one 'church,' one community of believers, and being inside or outside this group was a big deal.  For us this might refer more to a group that we feel a strong part of like the church, our school, our family, a group of friends, a team, dance, drama, scouts, or any group like that.  It would be hard to not be a part of our close group.

The final step says that we treat them like the pagans and tax-collectors, like someone who is outside the community.  That does not mean we laugh at them and mock them and say awful things about them... it means that we love them.  We want everyone who is outside of God's family to come in.  We need to love them.  We need to let our light shine (Matthew 5:16) so that they will ask about the hope that we have  (1 Peter 3:15).  They need love.

Conflict is best resolved with love.